(Guest post by The Boyfriend)
We all have skeletons in our gastronomic closets.
Oh, you know what I’m talking about. Admit it.
We all have foods that are secret favorites. Secret, I say, because we’re afraid that someone we love or respect, or perhaps even a complete stranger will look at what we’re stuffing into our mouths and say, “That’s disgusting. How the hell can you EAT that?”
Maybe you secretly indulge in a chemical-and-preservative-and-God-knows-what-else-laced Twinkie? Or how about the hot-pink Sno Ball? Ho Hos? Ding Dongs? Mmmm.
Ooooh, or those shrink-wrapped French cream horns hidden in the corner of the grocery store bakery? You’d like those, wouldn’t you? And who’s going to know, right? Nobody gets hurt.
Maybe an occasional fast-food fish sandwich dripping with tartar sauce? Nice. Maybe you do the happy dance when you find that the McRib is available for a limited time only?
Delicious nastiness? Or nasty deliciousness? Who’s to say?
So let’s all air our dirty laundry, shall we?
And I’ll be the first to step to the plate with my dirty little secret: The Cheeseburger Big Bite.
The CBB is available only at 7-Eleven, the preeminent chain of convenience stores in the area where I lived before moving to Cincinnati. I was sad to learn that there are no 7-Elevens in the Tri-State, so if I stumble across one while traveling, I stop in.
I developed my shameful addiction in the days when I regularly came home late after theater rehearsals. Nothing else was open, so I stopped by the 7-Eleven just around the corner. I don’t know exactly what possessed me to try the Cheeseburger Big Bite. It’s a safe assumption, however, that I must have been pretty hungry.
The CBB almost defies description. It’s a cheeseburger…shaped like a hot dog. The meat (if one can call it that) is pre-mixed with cheese, pre-cooked, and then frozen. They’re warmed in the store on the roller grill warmer thingy found in most convenience stores. (You’ve seen them…with the shriveled wieners that look like they’ve been warming since the Clinton administration.)
Last week, Julie and I were on vacation in New York when I had the idea for this post. There’s a 7-Eleven on 42nd Street, just around the corner from our hotel. I dragged her there without telling her what I was up to.
I asked the clerk for a CBB.
By itself, the CBB looks fairly harmless.
But what I love about 7-Eleven is free condiments. Add mustard and onions. Still fairly innocuous.
But here is where it gets ugly. “Free condiments” also includes all-you-can-slop-on nacho cheese (also known as preservative-laced processed cheese food-type product) and a go at the automated-dispenser chili (also known as…God knows what).
Although Julie didn’t say much, I could read her horror-stricken face: “That’s disgusting. How the hell can you EAT that?”
And talk about tasty.
Did indigestion ensue? You bet. Do I realize that these things have more monodihydrogenated gleuteonitrate that the average human should consume in four lifetimes? Absolutely. Wouldn’t have it any other way. So save your breath.
There. I feel better.
Now, it’s your turn. Confession is good for the soul. What is your secret shame in the food world?
(P.S. — By the way, on this same trip to 7-Eleven, Julie was able to indulge one of her own guilty pleasures: The Slurpee.)
